I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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