It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
