New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
