I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
