My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
