I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
