new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
