he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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