Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
