ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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