Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
