Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Too much gin, very little bucket
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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