I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
