So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
