I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
