do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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