Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
What drink are we having for lunch?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
