ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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