does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
