my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I could make wine with my vomit
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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