my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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