What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
