my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
