today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
