If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
