I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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