I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
