God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
