Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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