He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
