can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I need to sanitize my soul.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
