i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
