too bad you live with your parents still
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
