Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
