When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
