he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
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