You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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