my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
