I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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