I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
