I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
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