The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
