good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
