my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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