Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
