do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Princesses don't give blow jobs
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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