Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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