we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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