I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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