Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
