I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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