The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
