I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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