So drunk its hurt
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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