I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
